Dismissed much?

5 top tips when you think your son or daughter has a learning difference:

I've just come back from a doctor's visit with my 18 year old daughter who is suffering from long covid. Like many in her position have found, her doctor was kind, not unsympathetic, but equally not exactly validating. Since long covid has no convenient test, no treatment protocol, no easy answer, the doctor, who wants to help, is in the job to help, can't help. And so they dismiss.

So my daughter has been left with inconsistent advice, no answers and a vague feeling that she is not really believed by her doctor, her teachers or the exam board. Because of course she's facing A-levels while utterly fatigued, unable to revise and subject to extreme brain fog that leaves her unable to form complete sentences. Instead of supporting her through this experience, the school's main response to an enquiry about how she might be assessed given her medical condition, was that any suggestion of 'misdemeanor', and in the absence of a letter from the doctor, she would be reported to the exam board for cheating.

And our experience of a chronic medical condition reminded me of our experience as parents seeking a different kind of diagnosis - that of a learning difference. When my son was first at school and struggling in a way we had never expected, we posited that he might be dyslexic. The response? "Oh no, Mrs B, nothing like that." In other words: he's just a bit thick (spoiler - he's not). When my daughter age 17 realised (through tiktok) that the problems she'd experienced in school and particularly during lengthy exams was probably ADHD and not just laziness, school and her GP were both quick to deny: "Oh no, Mrs B, nothing like that."

In both cases, diagnosis by an expert was given straightaway. In fact, in both cases - given the results of the tests - the experts were surprised they had not been diagnosed sooner. I was left feeling guilty that I had not realised earlier what my children were going through.

Except I had realised. I'd just been told by 'experts' that I was wrong and I was just an overly anxious/pushy mother.

And I've heard our story, or versions of it, over and over from many of the pupils I've taught or from their families. GP's not thinking a pupil could be ADHD because they didn't fit the classic 'climbing up the walls' symptoms. Teachers refusing to believe an expert's diagnosis of autism in a pupil because, 'she's a really helpful member of the class'. Or, probably most bizarrely of all, my pupil who 'couldn't' be dyslexic according to her English teacher, because 'she is Turkish'.

And not being heard, not being validated, means that you feel dismissed. Even if you are not, and it's just that the professional can't help you right now, dismissed is how you may feel. It's hard to battle through school, childhood, teenage-hood when you have a learning difference. Battling it when the professionals do not, or don't seem to truly support you is little less than a nightmare.

And so I say to all professionals - teachers, doctors, social workers - listen to the parents when they think something is wrong. Listen to your pupils and the young people you work with when they express a worry or a difficulty with learning or social skills. Even if you can't help, the very act of believing the pupil and their family, listening to them, validating their difficulties, maybe finding an actual diagnosis - whether there's a cure or not - will help them.

And I say to all you parents who think there might be a problem that is causing your child distress or difficulty at school - pursue that thought, even if it is not one you want to believe. Listen to your children if they tell you that they are struggling at school one way or another. Don't just tell them 'it will get better'. It might, and it might not without support. Don't expect professionals to know more than you. They might know a great deal about a great deal of conditions.

NOBODY knows your child like you do. Trust your knowledge. It is uniquely valuable.

Tip #1 - Trust your instincts

You know your child better than anyone else; if you think something might be wrong, don't let a professional tell you you're just anxious.

Tip #2 - Don't let your desire for everything to be fine to blind you to the facts

This is why we listen to experts when we shouldn't: we don't WANT anything to be wrong. We may well have worried for a long time, have plenty of reason to think that there is a problem, BUT we want to be wrong about it. And when a professional comes along and reassures you that there isn't a problem, everything is totally within normal ranges - we are PRIMED to believe them. After all, they're the professional.

Tip #3 - Girls are less likely to be believed

“Women with ADHD are consistently under-recognized, understudied, misunderstood, misdiagnosed and mistreated,” Ellen Littman, clinical psychologist in Mount Kisco, N.Y.

It's just a fact, women and girls are less likely to be believed when they complain of difficulties related to learning differences. That makes tips numbers 1 and 2 even MORE applicable if you are talking to professionals about your daughter.

Tip #4 - Find others

Whatever you're going though, someone is going through it too. You may well find that the professionals don't get it, but you can be sure that someone out there does, and it can be incredibly helpful to find and lean upon that support. Look for groups in your area - or set one up - or join our online community.

Tip #5 - Find an expert

Sometimes it's just about finding the right person to talk to. Your GP, your teachers, your social workers - they're probably great professionals and they most likely care about the young people they're dealing with. They're also generalists (it's even in the name for the doctor) and they can't be expected to understand and know everything there is to know about anything that might be going on with your child. Teachers do not have mandatory training about learning differences - even ones as common as dyslexia and, especially in secondary school, their knowledge will mostly be subject based. Even the SENDCO may well be less than perfectly trained when it comes to recognising learning differences in girls, pupils of colour, or learning differences that present unusually. So - if you have suspicions about what's happening for your teenager - look for an expert advice - and that includes free advice online and advice from charities.

So, unheard, disbelieved, dismissed?

Don't let it happen. Trust yourself. You really do know best.

Want to find out more?

Try:

“Understanding Girls With ADHD: How They Feel and Why They Do What They Do.” by Kathleen Nadeau, Ellen Littman, Patricia Quinn Nutt
Dr Sally Shaywitz is a renowned expert in dyslexia. This video is a few years old, but she succinctly describes the early warning signs of dyslexia that you may find helpful here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygmnxtk_ZsM
I also like this simple video that gives you some ideas about how to identify if you might have dyslexia as a teen/adult: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un5slfccbRk