Homework. HELP!

Or the art of avoiding conflict.

There are many points of conflict when you have a tween or a teen in your house.

And when your teen or tween has a learning difference, the chances of conflict seemingly rise astronomically. Nowhere more often than when it comes to homework, revision, or work deadlines.

So how do you cope?

I'm not a psychotherapist, but Philippa Perry, author of "The book you wish your parents had read" is, and her first advice to parents in that book is to understand where you come from, in order to better understand why you react to your children in certain ways. She gives examples of people being furious with their children for minor infringements, or not infringements at all and who, when investigating their own memories, realise that the child's actions had sparked something in their own past that made them sad, confused or scared. With that understanding comes an ability to react in more appropriate, less highly charged ways.

You may see where I'm going with this; our children's struggles with schoolwork are probably prompting some unrecognised fear, anxiety or anger in us that stems from our own relationship with school. Many parents of children with learning differences suffered from learning differences themselves or, as commonly, had no particular difficulty with school. Knowledge is power - and knowing how your own school days is playing out, or not, through your children can really help you avoid unhelpful conflicts.

I did well at school. Really well. I worked hard, but not at the expense of all other things and I got myself to a great university and did pretty well there, where I met my husband. Who had clearly also done well at school. So it came as a bit of a shock to have a son who struggled immeasurably with school. Shepherding a child through a school system that I'd navigated easily, but who seemed to meet storm after storm, was neither easy or comfortable for me. That's an understatement. It made me question everything - from whether he was in fact just 'a bit thick' (usual victim blaming stuff), to wondering why that should matter, to deeply and unforgivingly hating the school system as it currently exists.

My reaction, extreme as it may seem, is typical of parents of students with learning differences if they themselves managed school fine, or excelled at school. Bewilderment, to denial, to anger - in other words, a kind of grief.

For those parents who themselves have learning differences, the period of their child's schooling may be even more distressing. It may well bring back buried trauma from their own experiences of fear, shame and frustration at school. This sometimes makes them 'turn away' from school - effectively they tell their children not to worry, they hated school, were terrible at school, but they're alright, so the same will be true of the kids. Of course, the same may not be true and the message of 'don't worry about school', however that may lessen the negative impact of a difficult school experience, will likely leave their children less set up for the future.