How to kill their motivation. Instantly.

We've all been there. At least all us desperate, hopeful, terrified parents of neuro-divergent children have been there.

An exam is coming up.

It's an important one - it might be one of the biggies (English GCSE I'm looking at you).

And your kid?

Are they working their little socks off? Doing all the work their teacher gives and more? Rushing off to their bedroom, final mouthful of dinner still unchewed, laptop in hand and a programme of work printed out?

Yeah. No. Me either.

So, silently tearing our hair out, we do everything we can think of.

• We have a grown up conversation with them.

• We help them plan their revision timetable.

• We buy them books and revision cards and stickie notes and we might engage a tutor.

• We offer increasingly impossible 'rewards' (ehem, bribes). Puppy anyone? (yep - that was me)

And it doesn't work.

Feel familiar?

So what DO we do?

Tip #1 - Don't tell them it matters

If you have or perceive you have the ability or competence to do something, knowing that something is important – is very motivating.

But what if we DON'T have the competence

Or we THINK we don't?

Well then the opposite happens.

A fear appeal, when perceived as threatening 'leads to worse examination performance through less behavioural engagement.." – Professor Putwain, authority on exam anxiety

I think I can pass my driving test. I know it matters (I don’t want to kill anyone) – that will motivate me to practice and pass

I think I am a perfect fit for a company. I know it matters – I want to work there. I’m going to interview like a boss.

BUT what about when you DON’T think you can do something?

If you think you can't, and you think it matters...

You know that interview where you weren’t prepared and you thought they wouldn’t take you on anyway, but you really, really wanted the job? How did THAT one go???

I know that buying a great gift for my friend will strengthen our relationship (gifts are her love language) but I don’t have much money and I’m really terrible at buying the right gift for people…so the day of her birthday I’m in a panic in John Lewis.

A 'fear' appeal - is when you say: you need to work or you're going to fail the exam...and the exam matters...so...

In other words - you're telling your teen that the exam matters.

And that works great if they THINK they can do well in it.

And if your kid is dyslexic?

They probably don’t think they can do well at English.

Because English has always been, duh, reading and writing.

And you know the thing about dyslexia?....

So telling them the English exam is really important - is going to have the opposite effect to the one you hope for.

But it IS important?!

It is. But stressing it is just going to stress your kid out.

So what DO you do?

You look to motivation theory -

You show them where they ARE competent

And where they're improving

You get THEM to decide how much work they think they should do

You get THEM to sign up to an agreed work programme

You do nice things with them so they remember that life is not ALL about exams

Remember - you're their parent for life

Exams are just a blip in it

What's your experience? Share your thoughts: